Thursday, April 06, 2006

Cosmophilia


I have been wondering about the Cosmopolitan magazine lately.

They say it’s a girlie thing, but show me a man who doesn’t like sneaking into its lascivious world. We read the magazine covertly, and devour the girls over and over again, but never admit we like reading it. And nobody knows this better than the Cosmopolitan management.

Here’s a sampler from the April issue of the UK edition (sadly the Indian one loses it totally). These are the screaming blurbs on the cover:

1) Real Couple: Sex swap (Four couples, one week, more positions that you can imagine)
2) Read his love signals
3) The sexual-health parasites who prey on your health
4) How normal are your breasts (The subtext reads: find out how yours measure up in Cosmo’s great boob comparathon)

And they say the magazine’s only for “fun fearless females”. Beats me.

The last article in question is really “grabalicious”. (Another post for words coined by the magazine sometime later, but you are free to contribute). The feature has 15 women from different walks of life (not models, mind you) agreeing to expose their busts and talk about them -- what they like and don’t about their boobs. Fantastic. So, we have women with A,B,C and D cups posing for us. My cup of joy brimmeth over. One of them says:

Girls often ask to feel them (breasts) as they want to see if I’ve got implants. They’re full and shapely and I think they are fantastic.

Another one says: A girl once told me my breasts were grabalicious (thanks for enriching my vocab, lady)

This is sheer titillation. A third one, from Manchester (no offence), says:

I have made friends with my mini-boobs. I like to squidge them – and so do other people.

Even I would, but I have no clue to what squidging means. I like the sound though.

The first article “Real Couple: Sex swap” is surely the first you would like to flip to. But there lies the great Cosmo deception trick. The headline on its face value suggests a diary-type article featuring couples talking about their swap escapades. It’s not that, but something more interesting: something the magazine advises every couple to do.

Instead of real-time swapping, some Brit couples decide to swap their sexual habits. Copulatory geniuses! Hundreds of blue blistering fornicating f**k alls! What follows is a cornucopia of esoteric sexual habits – doing it in the open, doing it 10-14 times a week, doing it with the help of external aids, doing it in the shower, doing it as porn stars do, and so on…

Go for it, men. Read it. Read kitsch porn. Will hit you hard!