Thursday, April 06, 2006

Cosmophilia


I have been wondering about the Cosmopolitan magazine lately.

They say it’s a girlie thing, but show me a man who doesn’t like sneaking into its lascivious world. We read the magazine covertly, and devour the girls over and over again, but never admit we like reading it. And nobody knows this better than the Cosmopolitan management.

Here’s a sampler from the April issue of the UK edition (sadly the Indian one loses it totally). These are the screaming blurbs on the cover:

1) Real Couple: Sex swap (Four couples, one week, more positions that you can imagine)
2) Read his love signals
3) The sexual-health parasites who prey on your health
4) How normal are your breasts (The subtext reads: find out how yours measure up in Cosmo’s great boob comparathon)

And they say the magazine’s only for “fun fearless females”. Beats me.

The last article in question is really “grabalicious”. (Another post for words coined by the magazine sometime later, but you are free to contribute). The feature has 15 women from different walks of life (not models, mind you) agreeing to expose their busts and talk about them -- what they like and don’t about their boobs. Fantastic. So, we have women with A,B,C and D cups posing for us. My cup of joy brimmeth over. One of them says:

Girls often ask to feel them (breasts) as they want to see if I’ve got implants. They’re full and shapely and I think they are fantastic.

Another one says: A girl once told me my breasts were grabalicious (thanks for enriching my vocab, lady)

This is sheer titillation. A third one, from Manchester (no offence), says:

I have made friends with my mini-boobs. I like to squidge them – and so do other people.

Even I would, but I have no clue to what squidging means. I like the sound though.

The first article “Real Couple: Sex swap” is surely the first you would like to flip to. But there lies the great Cosmo deception trick. The headline on its face value suggests a diary-type article featuring couples talking about their swap escapades. It’s not that, but something more interesting: something the magazine advises every couple to do.

Instead of real-time swapping, some Brit couples decide to swap their sexual habits. Copulatory geniuses! Hundreds of blue blistering fornicating f**k alls! What follows is a cornucopia of esoteric sexual habits – doing it in the open, doing it 10-14 times a week, doing it with the help of external aids, doing it in the shower, doing it as porn stars do, and so on…

Go for it, men. Read it. Read kitsch porn. Will hit you hard!

83 Comments:

At 2:10 PM, Blogger km said...

I read that as "I have made friends with my man-boobs. I like to squidge them – and so do other people."

Ugh.

Must. Erase. Image.

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger ace of spades said...

can i borrow your copy?

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger gypsy said...

You too, Brutus?! :-) hehee..
BTW, whats the cosmo-quiz for this month?! How answering a multiple-choice quiz can tell if i like it better on the floor or if i rather be with a woman totally beats me!!
But u should try taking the quiz fool..u never know what u will discover about urself ;-)

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger kaushik said...

Well this brings me to issue of "Debonair". Nobody quite recognises it as it so much hush but "Debonair" does have cult status. For 2 generations atleast us and on our fathers' its been giving us carnal pleasures.

Recently I bought one issue and i was flabbergasted. They are trying to add journalistic respectability to Debs. But Debs did have journalistic respectability with names like Anil Dharker associated with at some point of time. Not a single nude shot in the entire issue and I am told that is the trend.

Well I find this strange...

 
At 11:24 PM, Blogger Bonatellis said...

would you know who coined the word tit-illation?
I am just curious ...

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger Kusum Rohra said...

hmmmm i always knew even guys must love reading this mag *ahem* now i know.

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

Why doesn't that post surprise me?

Fool, so in the end we win. We like to look at ourselves more than we like stealing glances at men. And you guys spend a lifetime on girl-spotting

Hilarious post, tho. Loved "Even I would...", you naughty naughty boy. Love your style

 
At 1:11 AM, Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

"Squidge" basics, as found in http://www.i1.net/~bakke/deli/squidge.htm

SQUIDGE (skwidg)
verb:
1) A female's involuntary physical response to a verbal, visual, or audial sexual stimuli, involving not unpleasant spasaming of the musculature of the lower interior quadrant, and most often accompanied by a moan.
2) The female counterpart to "getting a woody" -- a "wide on" (DD in that leather jacket makes me squidge)

noun:
1) The liquidous by-product of the action
2) female "cum" (Sit on a towel when you watch "Duane Barry", or the squidge stains will ruin your couch)

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger The Marauder's Map said...

Cosmo has enriched my vocabulary considerably over the years. This was the place that both introduced me to, and helped me infer the meaning of, words such as snogging before Harry Potter 6 happened (you won't get that reference, but anyway...). Another word that had me bewildered was 'noggin' -- I think it means head, but I could be wrong.

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger The Marauder's Map said...

Kaushik, Vinod Mehta used to edit Debonair, for heaven's sake. And this was at least 12 years ago. It's never been too much about 'respectability', but I guess you do know that a staggering number of celebrated American authors began with writing short stories for Playboy?

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Ghetufool said...

thanks for the readalicious post. never knew you have such an avid interest for hornalicious magazines.

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Ghetufool said...

portnoy,
all your self-impressing acts are gasalicious and essentially frustralicious without us. all squidge would flow down the drain or soaked into the couch without the 'plank' to support them.
thanks a lot for the meaning BTW.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Ghetufool said...

portnoy,
all your self-impressing acts are gasalicious and essentially frustralicious without us. all squidge would flow down the drain or soaked into the couch without the 'plank' to support them.
thanks a lot for the meaning BTW.

 
At 1:42 AM, Blogger Prerona said...

ahem! interesting :)

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger J said...

eeew
eeeeeeeeeeeew
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

 
At 11:56 PM, Blogger Patient Portnoy said...

Ghetu dear, if we are made to do without each other, I'm sure you would be more "frustralicious" than us any day...

Are u back? How is Cal?

As for the meaning, you're welcome. I can see you're making liberal use of it

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

KM: did you notice that the female in question was from Manchester?

Ace of Spades: Sure you can. But at a premium.

Gypsy: Cosmo quizzes may be corny. But the way they package it -- with tittilating pictures and all -- one is always tempted to try them out!

Kaushik: Debonair has always had a "respectable" angle to it. Marauder seems to have already responded to the point you raised.

Bonatellis: It's not Cosmo for once. I think the word comes from Latin "Titillatio", which means to tickle! Paati baanglaye bolle surshuri dawa!

Kusum: We LOVE it!

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Patient: Thanks for the meaning. But the girl who used the word said she likes to squidge her things and even others like to. How can others squidge her, if it's an involuntary action. Pooer female has got it all wrong I think.

Marauder: Noggin' sounds so exciting...

Ghetu: Great to see you back. I see you quite liked the stuff!

Prerona: That was pithy. How u doin', BTW?

J: Distasteful?

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger Tridib said...

Too bad, the Indian edition isn't as 'revealing' as its UK counterpart. But I guess it's also doing its part to further the cause of fun-fearless-femaledom in the land of Mallika Sherawat!

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Shuv said...

have u met any woman who reads cosmo? i have met ONLY men.

 
At 2:18 AM, Blogger Rimi said...

I'm a patient woman. I really am. BUT WHERE'S THE NEXT GODDAMN POST, MAN???

 
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"Hundreds of blue blistering fornicating f**k alls!"

WELL SAID Captain Hadcock!

 
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At 9:10 PM, Blogger kaushik said...

WHERE'S YOUR NEXT POST??

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Scout said...

it's official, all men are the same :)

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Kusum Rohra said...

Jesus christ!!! What is it?? U need my threaten comment to coerce u for writing the next post everytime is it??

 
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At 11:00 AM, Blogger Chaila Bihari said...

U waitin 4 half-ton comments b4 movin 2 nxt post? wat?

 
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At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi fool,

Fantastic truthful take on soft-porn stuff masquerading as women's mags.

Have always wondered at the paradox of it all - how does this stuff appeal to liberated women, with all its in-your-face messages on women being objects of beauty - to be pampered, regularly polished, ogled at and finally...

No better I guess than our national obsession with daily 9 pm primte time chakkars around the tulsi plant by bickering teams of related / unrelated / hoping to get related females of all ages.

Talking about porn tho cannot be complete without a mention of bangla panu. And what a friend of mine once said after having gone through a series of particularly incestuous ones:
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At 6:46 AM, Blogger Arthur Quiller Couch said...

You take months to recover from ONE issue of Cosmo? Get up and post, man.

 
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