Monday, November 07, 2005

Chele dhora

It all started one day when Rituparno Ghosh asked Mrs Moon Moon Sen, the mother of all bong boudies, in that coy tone of his: “Moon Moon Di, toke shobai naeka keno bole re?” The goddess of voluptuous said: "Achha, Ritu, tui naeka’r definition ta bol to…"

A snapshot from the Antarmahal floor:

Act I Sc I: Love-making scene between Jackie Shroff and Soha Ali Khan

Rituparno Ghosh (RG): Ei Jaaggu, shon! Tui na, laav-making’er scene ta ektu Rangeela’r moto kore dichis. Amra janish, oto overt hobo na! Eita art house cinema, toder Bollywood bioscope na.

JS (Jackie Shroff): R se Ritu Da. Ch se cho**n dekhalei shudhu hobe? Ektu..Ch se chulkuni na hole ke hobe? (Aside: Na se Naeka ch**a, saala. Bombay te role pachhina bole ei Pa se panpenani sojhho korte hoche)

RG: Ki shob je bolish. (blushes ruddy). Chhhi. (Bites his fingers) Jaai hok.

RG: [Picks up the megaphone and simpers into it] Soha, tui shuye por. Jaaggu, tui or opor chor.

Soha: Ritu Da, maa je bole pathiye chilo dummy diye korate?

RG: Aha Soha, eta to reality. Bresson’er moto. Tui o-shob bujhbi na. Kochi khuki tui.

Soha: (affronted) Ami shob bujhi. (Winks at Jaggu)

RG: Ei je, tor dada ke dekh. (Drools) Ki sexy. (Twitches nipples) Kemon jangiya oonki marchilo? (Gets transfixed, megaphone in hand, thoughts wander, starts humming the Salaam Namaste theme song).

Spot boy: Ritu Da, Ritu Da! Obhishek Babu eshechen.

Ritu Da gives Obhishek a good prolonged hug. Pecks him on his cheek.

RG: Mon-ey thake jaeno, tor gaye ekta bodka gondho aache. Tui to potua. Maatir manush. Maati diye putul gorish.… Davidoff’er perfume lagale cholbe na.

Obhishek: (Takes RG aside) Jaggu buro bokac**da ke oto gulo scene deyecho? Khan**r chele ekta hulo beral. Aami ki khoi khachhi naaki?

RG: Obhi, omon bolish na re. Dhoom’e tor lom bhora buk dekhe’i aami thik kore niyechi je pore’r cinema te lead role tor. Bogol ta kamiye nish na kintu. Ota’i to appeal.

O: Kintu…

RG: (Completely oblivious to O’s protests, drooling again) Ke intu-shintu korli oi bongo lolona ke nei. Tota Raychaudhuri’r moto koyekta topless scene debo toke. (Gets excited, touches Abhishek’s shoulder, makes funny sounds)

O: Shono Ritu Da….

[Not listening to O at all, RG gets all excited, hands flailing like a manipuri danseuse, kurta flying, hips swaying as he moves towards the bed, where Jaggu and Soha are already giving trial love-making shots one after the other]

RG: Jaaggu! Soha! O shob ki hochhe. Chhhi. (To Soha) Ektu aagei je naekami korchilish? Jemon tor maa, temon tui. (To Jaggu) Ei je rongila, boyesh to kom holo na! Ekhono chelemanusi keno? (A coy slap on Jaggu's posterior)


The shoot commences. Jaggu is asked to burp while consummating. Soha is asked to mix the pleasure moans with painful groans.

Poor Obhishek is asked to crouch on the other side of the bed and tug it so as to create the mochor-mochor creaking sound. So realistic.


At 11:32 AM, Blogger Tridib said...

BRILLLIAAANNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT! One of the best blog posts I have read in a very, very long time. Kobindrantah has serious competition coming up from budding (fore)-playright!

At 10:02 PM, Blogger Roshomon said...

its too good!

At 10:41 PM, Anonymous Hyacinth Girl said...

Fool, you should try your hand at some serious lit ribaldry. What an absolutely scrumptious post! So much in keeping with the raw droppings in the form of Jackie's lines and dialogues...

Why did RG fall into the "mochor-mochor" trap anyway? That a huge zamindari Burma teak Queen's bed would quiver and creak at such little instigation is quite unimaginable... And that's only mentioning only one among a long list of RG goof-ups

At 11:46 PM, Blogger The Marauder's Map said...

Tridib and Fool, while watching Antarmahal: Did you just see Soha's armpits? Did you hear Rupa Ganguly tell her 'bogol dekhiye dekhiye pakhi khawate hobe na? Bogol bollo re, bogol! Ki moja! Aabar bolbe?

At 2:27 AM, Blogger Tridib said...

Marauder: Apologies on behalf of Fool for hurting your sensibilities (cinematic and otherwise). But, did anybody ever tell you to kindly LIGHTEN UP!

At 2:41 AM, Anonymous Hyacinth Girl said...

Map, am on your side in this. Did you also notice Rupa Ganguly being told by her maid to get ready for the "napit" before the fateful sacrificial night?

Tridib, you do seem to be a tad possessive about Bogol Territory. Trespassers with a nose for pheromones only allowed, huh?

Fool, sorry for making this a sweaty battleground...

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Ghetufool said...

marhaba, marhaba,
amazing writing, thouroughly enjoyable.
good drama material.
why dont yu give this script to ritu, he is a good director afterall.
and he still lacks a realistic comedy movie, that he can pass on as art film.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Map: Aami abar ki korlam, baba. Just wrote a simple post.

Tridib: Thanks... for defending the bogol territory!

HG: Relishing the potshots!

Ghetuful: Thank you. Planning to hit Tollywood with a script soon! Do you have any connections there?

At 11:04 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Roshomon: Thanks for visiting again. Do tell Acidrocks to drop by!

At 7:52 AM, Anonymous hungry hati said...

too good....fallen in love all over again.why dont you try your hand on more serious literary stuff....bangla sahityer ja dosha...toder moto notun lekhoki to chai.

At 4:08 AM, Blogger Rimi said...

may i add my congratulations! this is the brilliantest take on the film i have read till date! absolutely fantastic!

At 7:26 PM, Blogger acidrocks said...

I tried ..i read the post from all sides but i failed to understand ...i guess my knowledge of bengali is simply not enough...!!!!

At 10:10 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Rimi: Thanks for the adulation. The film really failed to meet expectations. Ritu-da seems to be losing his touch.

acidrocks: Hey, thanks for reading the post twice! Will mail you a literal translation; but it wont be the same thing.

At 3:19 AM, Blogger Rahul Bhaskar said...

can you translate that??

At 10:25 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Rahul: Refer to my answer to acidrocks.

At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Abak Aksho (via HG) said...

Hi Fool-cum-Glaze Babu, HG here. Dont know if this goes against Blog-etiquette, but Abak Aksho sent me his Comment on your Antarmahal post, so here it is...

"Haven't read such wonderfully written article for a long time. The way Ritu Porno (that's how Telegraph spelt thy name after Antarmahal) behaves has been perfectly depicted in the article. Wonder whether Glaze spent some good Ritu (season) with this Porno. Chepe gachhe amade kaachhe.

...Bogus cinema. Maa-yer murti gothon korte giye bouke mone pochhe edike Maayer mukh jomidaarer bouer moto hochchhe... Er theke amar Silk Smitha and Disco Shanti starrer Jawani series jugjug jiyo.

Why the hell Glaze Babu is wasting time at...? Money?!! Well, we all need it but such a talent being wasted is hard to accept. E protibha baro ghontar duty te atke noshto hote dewa jayena. He should come back to Kolkata. People here will definitely appreciate his craft. Oi Bange na lore poshchim bonge loruk - naam o hobe ar money o hobe. Mokkeler e-mail ID ta ki aki achhe na notun kich hoyechhe? Oshadharon likhechhe.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger GREATBONG said...

Osadharon post....amazing way to review a movie...

At 4:18 PM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

abak: For once I agree with you on a film!

Greatbong: Thanks. But it pales in comparison to your take(s) on Bollywood kitsch. And the Prabhu posts.

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sadhu! sadhu! ami bakyohara tor protiva dekhe

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At 12:26 AM, Blogger J said...

i need to see this one and re-read this post after that :D

At 11:50 PM, Blogger Falsetto Fernandez said...

hey fool,

maybe a bit too late to comment on this blog... but i finally got the link from tridib after abak100 fumbled around for the last 3 months! anyway, FANTASTIC writing.. i was in spilts over the mannerisms and dialog.. keep posting... : )

At 7:36 AM, Blogger A fool on the hill said...

Thanks. And great hearing from you. So how's life? And the chang-pangs? Keep visiting.

At 4:48 AM, Blogger Kusum Rohra said...

Hey fool, i need a translation of this one.

At 5:47 AM, Blogger Nilesh said...

Came here from GreatBong's blog.

Can you provide a translation in English as I couldnt understand a word of it?:-)

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Dipanjan said...

Anekdin erokom hasini. Simply brilliant !!!

At 5:15 PM, Blogger Nautilus said...

Amazing!!! I bought the DVD of Antarmahal...haven't had the chance to open it. Now, thanks to yours and Great Bong's review I have to watch it ASAP!

Bishesh tipponi niye pherot ashbo :-)

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